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These days girls start wishing for a boyfriend sooner rather than later. Sooner as in nine or ten years old! To me that’s just crazy!
My first real boyfriend was when I was fourteen years old. That’s a sophomore in school which is far more acceptable than fourth or fifth grade, I think.
It’s one thing when it’s in title only and they kids barely say more than hello to each other. But it’s another thing when girls start putting themselves in sexual relationships before they are ready.
So the question is, at what age do you start to support your daughter when it comes to sex and wanting a boyfriend? And does a young girl having a boyfriend come with a cost?
Well, there really is no set age. But these days more and more kids are starting to be curious about sex when they are about ten years old. Tweens and teenagers wanting boyfriends is inevitable. Tween and teenage girls having sex with boys is not uncommon. Just as the sun will shine, girls will have crushes on boys. And some girls will have sex with boys.
(disclaimer: This post is not discriminating towards same sex and transgender relationships. This post is simply about teen girls and boys being together).
The “sex talk” is a great way to start. My two older kids had the talk when they were each twelve years old. But my younger daughter, who is now twelve years old, actually got the talk almost three years ago. Unfortunately it’s necessary and not something that will go away if you try putting it off.
Supporting your kids being sexually active is a big responsibility. It means you are opening the door for them to start talking to you about sex and what their experience with sex is. That may not be your version of support, but telling them they can come to you with anything means to them that they have been given the green light to go forward in sexual relationships.
I wish that wasn’t the truth but it is. When you are dealing with teenagers you need to think like a teenager sometimes. Because they make trying to get one over on you their full time job! And if a parent tells their kid they can freely talk about sex, then that kid may think they can freely have sex. For them the two go hand and hand.
It’s important to teach your daughter that it’s not just the boy’s job to practice safe sex and provide protection. A girl is just as responsible, maybe even more so since she’s the one that can get pregnant.
And girls should know that every once in a while the contraceptive doesn’t work due to a defect. So just because there is a condom present it doesn’t mean that it’s a guarantee that a pregnancy won’t occur.
The risk of contracting Sexually Transmitted Infections, STI’s, (formally known as STD or Sexually Transmitted Diseases) are another factor to face when having sex. Especially when there are multiple partners involved. It is imperative that your daughter knows she needs to tell you or another adult that she trusts, if she thinks she may have any such infection. Teach her the importance of getting treatment right way before it makes her and her partner very sick.
It’s overwhelming to me as an adult with all the physical, emotional and social situations that come about with sex. I can only imagine how confusing it must be for a nine year old! That scares me to death to think about!
The best you can do as a parent is to instill high morals and values. And hope and pray that you are getting through to your children and that you are gaining their trust.
I can tell you right now through my experience with two former teenagers and a current tween, having your child trust you can make or break their relationship with you, and it can also set the tone for their relationships with others.
Also, don’t mistake you trusting your teen for them trusting you. They are two completely different things! And having one doesn’t automatically get you the other.
So take the time to prove that you can be trusted and once you get it, cherish it. Because it can go away a lot quicker than it took to happen in the first place. And it will be even harder to get back that second time.
When you do sit down to talk with your child about sex, you may be tempted to get everything out all at once. But what you want to do is start with the small parts and work your way up. Start with what a crush feels like and what they are attracted to in a person. Explain that there is a difference between just having sex and making love with someone you care about.
There is more at stake than just pregnancy and infections with sex. There are hurt feelings and long term heartache. A girl or boy could feel embarrassed or have regret. In some cases sex can lead to such severe self loathing that a suicide is attempted.
Discuss that time and place is important. It isn’t appropriate to duck behind a bush and have a quickie. That’s not a respectful thing to do for herself, her partner or the relationship she has with someone.
As with anything in life, if they are sneaking around and lying about something, then it probably means they already know that they are doing something their parents wouldn’t approve of.
Let them know that if they’re not mature enough to talk about sex then they probably aren’t mature enough to be having sex.
Girls need to know that there are some people that will tell them everything they want to hear just to get her to have sex with them. A girl needs to hear that she is smart, funny , kind and beautiful from her family and friends. Then she won’t look for so much validation from others.
There is also the risk of “a one night stand”. After having sex, there are some that won’t ever speak to the girl again, deny that they even slept together and even go to lengths to belittle and tease the girl they had sex with.
Sex doesn’t always have to sound so scary. But if a young girl understands that there can be consequences out of their control, she may be more apt to be adamant about doing the things that she can control.
Not all girls are interested in having a boyfriend or girlfriend while they are young. They are usually the ones playing sports and participating in other social activities. Kids need something to do. Keep their body and minds busy and there is less time and opportunity to engage in sexual relations.
You cannot keep your tween or teenage daughter from being curious about sex, but you can educate them enough to be able to make good choices while acknowledging the risks.
Keep that door open and have conversations with your kids every day, Even if it’s just asking how school was that day. Show you care and they will reciprocate in their own way which is something you need to be able to recognize.
The more you listen to your teenager, the more they will tell you leading them to trust you.
Just remember that you are the parent, and not the friend. And anything you say to your child should be at the parent level. Kids crave attention and discipline. It is your job to give them both!
I hope this post helped you to understand what is important for you to teach your children when it comes to sex in a relationship.
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~PLEASE REMEMBER THAT KINDNESS MATTERS~
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